“Like Sands Through the Hourglass…. So are the days of our lives”  

“Like Sands Through the Hourglass…. So are the days of our lives” (Famous Opening Line of the Daytime Soap Opera called “Days of Our Lives”)

I never watched much of  “Days of Our Lives” growing up –  I was a “General Hospital” soap opera fan myself – but I would hear this opening line over and over again growing up and it has always stuck with me. I hope it sticks with you for at least two concepts:

  1.  Time with your children is precious (and a non-renewable resource) and passes quickly; and 
  2. Your divorce/separation could become more crazy and drama filed than the season that Marlana was possessed by the devil (ok – I’ve see a FEW episodes as friends houses) if you are not willing to cooperate with the other parent

Parenting Time in Divorce: When Children Become the Center of Conflict

Emotions in divorce/separation are high and often volatile – the most  vigorously hotly contested issue is often parenting time. Sometimes family law files start looking less like parenting and more like two people playing tug of war with a human being in the middle.

The old King Solomon story is famous because two adults were fighting over a child. Solomon suggested cutting the child in half. The real mother immediately stopped fighting because protecting the child mattered more than “winning.” The fake mother was fine with the fight continuing if it meant the other side lost too.

Modern family court battles can start looking the exact same way — just with more affidavits, invoices, and emails.

One parent pulls.
The other parent pulls harder.
Then lawyers get involved.
Then grandparents.
Then new spouses.
Then social media.
Then “urgent applications.”
Then “without prejudice” letters that are somehow six pages of pure rage.

Meanwhile the child is standing in the middle like:
“Can somebody please stop pulling on me for five minutes?”

Why Parents Lose Focus During Separation

The saddest part is that most parents genuinely love their children. They are not bad people. They are hurt, angry, scared, betrayed, or terrified of losing time with their child. But once the fight becomes about defeating the other parent instead of protecting the child, things go sideways fast.  Even when there are real concerns about protection of the children there are often terms that can be negotiated and implemented that provide one or both parents with the parenting support necessary to promote the safety and well-being of the children while still facilitating a relationship with the parent that you choose (whether planned or accidental)  for your child when you brought that baby into this world.  The child has two parents and that is a legal fact that needs to be addressed in a divorce/separation matters. How this is addressed post separation is a choice that will profoundly impact the children.  You have the power and ability to EACH choose to work for the benefit  and best interests of the children. 

Collaborative Family Law: Working Toward Child-Focused Outcomes 

Collaborative Family Law works when BOTH parents are willing to work towards the best interests of the children – the problem arises is because both parents usually have different opinions on what that entails but the CFL professionals can help your way into a compromise by providing various options and compromises seeking to find a “win-win” middle ground OR at least a “I can live with that-I can accept that” middle ground. 

The parent truly focused on the child eventually starts asking:
“What outcome hurts my child the least?”
not:
“How do I get what I want?” 

Family Court as an Hourglass: Why Time Matters

And here is the brutal reality most parents eventually learn:

Family court is an hourglass.

Time keeps falling whether you like it or not.

You can spend that time building your child up…
or using your child as the rope in a tug of war while the sand runs out.

Kids do not stay little forever.
You do not get those years back.
There is no appeal court for missed childhoods.

Why Children Suffer in High-Conflict Divorce

That is why collaborative processes and reasonable settlement discussions matter. Not because conflict magically disappears. Not because everyone becomes best friends. But because parents eventually (hopefully) realize the child should not be the rope.

The goal is supposed to be raising healthy children — not “winning  the divorce”.

And the ugly truth?

Children usually know exactly what is happening long before adults think they do.

They know when they are being pulled.
They know when one parent is trying to weaponize them.
They know when they are becoming the battlefield instead of the priority.

A child caught between parents often feels like they are standing on that hourglass while both sides pull harder and harder, hoping the other side lets go first.

The problem is: sometimes the child is the one who breaks first.

Give Collaborative Family Law a chance – it places the decision making in the hands of you two as parents rather than putting the future of your children at the mercy of the  court system.