Collaborative Family Law – Why I Compare It to CFL Football

Collaborative Family Law has been around for years, but I still do not think enough people understand what it actually is. Frankly, I have suggested for years that we should probably rename it because “Collaborative Family Law” sounds cumbersome and academic when it is actually very practical.

Despite having very limited athletic ability and not actually playing most of the sports I use in my analogies, sports analogies are still often the easiest way to explain complicated family law concepts to everyday people.

So I want to compare Collaborative Family Law to CFL football (which also conveniently uses the acronym “CFL”).

Bear with me here.

Traditional Litigation: Team You vs. Team Your Ex

In traditional litigation, people often approach separation like this:

  • Team You
    vs. 
  • Team Your Ex 

The problem is that if one parent “wins,” the other parent usually “loses.”

And when parents spend years trying to destroy each other emotionally, financially, and psychologically, the children usually lose too.

Collaborative Family Law tries to change the entire mindset.

Instead of:

  • Team You vs. Team Your Ex 

Collaborative Family Law tries to create:

  • TEAM PARENTS 

And together TEAM PARENTS battles:

  • TEAM ISSUES 

The other parent is not supposed to be the enemy.

The issues are the enemy.

TEAM ISSUES

The issues parents should be battling together include things like:

Children / Parenting Issues

  • How do we raise healthy, secure, happy children after separation? 
  • How do we maintain strong relationships between the children and BOTH parents? 
  • How do we deal with different parenting styles? 
  • Different discipline styles? 
  • Education decisions? 
  • Medical issues? 
  • Mental health concerns? 
  • Sports? 
  • Social media? 
  • Cell phones? 
  • Curfews? 
  • Dating? 
  • Peer pressure? 
  • Substance use? 
  • School performance? 

There is truly no end to what separated parents can and will fight about if they start battling each other instead of battling the issues together.

I have seen parents spend THOUSANDS of dollars in legal fees fighting over things that sound completely unbelievable to most people.

Some real examples:

  • Haircuts (no word of a lie). One Court decision literally resulted in the mother controlling the child’s hairstyle for six months of the year and the father controlling it for the other six months. Dad wanted military buzz cuts. Mom wanted “Hanson boy band hair.” 
  • Which school the child attends. 
  • Which parent gets to take the child to Disneyland FIRST. 
  • Vaccines including Covid, Gardasil, and routine childhood vaccines. 
  • Extracurricular activities. 
  • Bedtimes. 
  • Halloween costumes. 
  • Whether a child can have a cellphone. 

There is honestly no limit to what people will fight about once separation becomes “me versus you” instead of “us versus the problem.”

Money / Income / Budgets / Survival

One household becoming two households creates financial pressure almost immediately.

The same income that previously supported one home now has to support:

  • two homes, 
  • two utility bills, 
  • two grocery bills, 
  • two vehicles, 
  • two sets of household expenses, 
  • and often legal fees on top of all of it. 

That financial pressure affects BOTH people on the team.

And frankly, the children are really the fans in the stands watching the game:

  • they do not control the playbook, 
  • they do not call the plays, 
  • they do not choose the strategy, 
  • but they absolutely live with the final score. 

If one parent is trying to “win,” then by definition the other parent has to “lose.”

Collaborative Family Law tries to move away from that mentality.

If parents can adopt a TEAM PARENTS mentality, the children have a much better chance of “winning.”

The ultimate goal should be this:

That years later BOTH parents can still attend:

  • sports, 
  • graduations, 
  • weddings, 
  • birthdays, 
  • school concerts, 
  • and future family events 

without causing the children:

  • stress, 
  • tension, 
  • anxiety, 
  • fear of drama, 
  • fear of a public scene, 
  • or emotional exhaustion from managing their parents’ conflict. 

That matters more than “winning” family court.

Property / Assets / Debts

Another TEAM ISSUE is property division.

  • Who keeps the house?
  • How to deal with pensions?
  • How to apportion the debt?
  • What happens to the line of credit?
  • How do we divide vehicles?
  • Businesses?
  • Investments?
  • RRSPs?

Those issues obviously affect both parents financially, but they also affect the children indirectly because financial instability impacts the entire family.

Future Problems

One of the biggest misconceptions in separation is that once the paperwork is signed everything magically becomes easy.

That is fantasy.

Children continue growing.

Problems continue arising.

Life continues changing.

People change jobs.

People move.

People remarry.

Children develop new needs.

Teenagers become adults.

University expenses arise.

Medical issues arise.

Grandchildren eventually arrive.

The family relationship does not end after separation.

It just changes form.

TEAM PARENTS – How the Football Team Works

In football, a successful team needs:

  1. Offence 
  2. Defence 
  3. Special Teams 

You do not win football games with only offence.

If your offence scores touchdowns every drive but your defence gives up touchdowns every drive, your team is not working at its best. 

If your defence is amazing but your offence keeps turning over the ball, your team usually loses.

And if special teams keep fumbling punts and missing field goals, your team is probably not winning many games either.

Collaborative Family Law works the exact same way.

The parents are supposed to be on the same team battling the issues — not trying to destroy each other.

Offence

Offence is:

  • solving problems, 
  • making plans, 
  • communicating, 
  • figuring out schedules, 
  • figuring out finances, 
  • and moving the family forward. 

Offence means actively trying to improve the situation instead of just attacking the other parent.

Defence

Defence is:

  • protecting the children from conflict, 
  • stopping fights before they start, 
  • keeping the kids out of the middle, 
  • controlling emotions, 
  • setting boundaries, 
  • and preventing unnecessary damage to the family. 

Sometimes good defence means saying:

“This fight is stupid and not worth destroying everybody over.”

Special Teams

Special teams are the professionals:

  • lawyers, 
  • psychologists, 
  • financial experts, 
  • divorce coaches, 
  • mediators, 
  • child specialists, 
  • and anybody else helping keep the game under control. 

Sometimes special teams only come out for a few plays, but those plays can completely change the outcome of the game.

A blocked punt can lose a football game.

One terrible email can blow up an entire family law file.

A clutch field goal can win a football game.

One productive four-way meeting can settle a case that has been a disaster for two years.

Everybody has a role.

And when everybody on the same team starts attacking each other instead of focusing on the actual opponent, the whole season goes off the rails.

Meanwhile the children are sitting in the stands watching the adults turn on each other 

The children do not control the playbook.

They do not call the plays.

They do not decide the strategy.

But they absolutely live with the final score.

Final Thoughts

Collaborative Family Law is not perfect.

It will not work for everybody.

Some cases absolutely require Court intervention.

Some people are too dishonest, too abusive, too unreasonable, or too high conflict for collaboration to succeed.

But when Collaborative Family Law DOES work, it often allows families to preserve relationships, dignity, co-parenting ability, and financial resources in ways litigation simply cannot.

At the end of the day, nobody knows your children better than you do.

Not the lawyers.

Not the psychologists.

Not the Judge.

You and the other parent know:

  • your children, 
  • their personalities, 
  • their fears, 
  • their strengths, 
  • their schedules, 
  • their struggles, 
  • and what works best for your family. 

Collaborative Family Law allows parents to maintain control over the outcome instead of handing those decisions to a stranger in a black robe who may spend one or two days hearing evidence about your entire life and then make decisions that affect your family for years.

And frankly, Court is not always about who has the “best position.”

Sometimes it is about:

  • who presents better, 
  • who handles stress better, 
  • who has better evidence, 
  • who is more credible, 
  • or simply who has the better lawyer on that particular day in that particular courtroom. 

That is the reality of litigation.

Collaborative Family Law tries to move families away from the “winner/loser” model and toward problem solving, teamwork, and long term family stability.

Because years after the lawyers, judges, applications, affidavits and legal bills are forgotten, your children still have to live with the final score.